Acceptance (The Carol Saga [Hopeful] Conclusion)

So I think I'm finally starting to accept the fact that I'm never going to be with her again.
There's quite a few reasons for this, one of which being the fact that she has said that she does not want to have a boyfriend during school because they always fuck with her grades. It doesn't count of course when her boyfriend from where she used to live comes out on the occasional weekend, because that's the weekend. And it's him.

This would of course normally leave me to wait until summer comes to go out with her, but with this summer comes said boyfriend, moving her permanently to be with her. Which pretty much takes any chances of me actually having a relationship with her away completely.

But her relationship with this guy is one that, they're technically still together, but if she wants to fuck around with anybody while he's not here, it won't be considered cheating. A sort of "when I'm there, we're together" sort of thing (which is kinda funny cause I thought that's what we had). So there is a chance that I could still "hook up" with her, but considering it's me, she'd probably have to be reallly drunk to do that. And since I'm such a moral asshole, not only would I not do it when she's like that, I wouldn't even be around her when I know she's drinking.

And even if she did want to hook up with me while not under the influence of anything, I still wouldn't want to because I honestly don't just want to "hook up" with her, I'd prefer an actual relationship. But I know now that isn't going to happen.

And even if I did have a chance in all this, if she could really just take the time to think about which of us she wanted to be with, she'd pick him with no problem. He saved her fucking life, I can't compete with that shit. The only thing I could possibly do to try to beat that is jump in front of a car when it's about to hit her, and then I'd be fucking dead anyways!

So yeah, I'm finally accepting it, now I've just gotta get over her and move on. Which may be easier now that I know there isn't a chance in fucking hell of me being with her.

Ironic and Depressing (A Small Digression)

So I found this ridiculous button on the floor a little while ago and I had decided to put it on one of my guitar straps.

Well I was on my computer last night and I hear this little -tink tink- behind me.
It had fallen off.
With all that's happened lately, it's kinda funny.
But mostly depressing.

You Have Got To Be Kidding Me (The Carol Saga Part II)

So I went to that pary last night, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I still ended up leaving because I couldn't handle it, but I am surprised that Carol was really upset that I left without saying anything to her. It made me think that maybe she still did love me.

But today she did something that seriously crushed me. She said that she's hopefully going to be moving back and I was super excited because I could finally be with her again. But she also told me that she thinks it'd be best it we didn't go out again. Because she wants to maintain a long distance relationship with the guy she's dating now.

This is fucking bullshit because last August she told me that she didn't want to do a long distance relationship with me, but that we could go out again if she ever came back for good. But now she's coming back, and she'll do the long distance shit for him but she wouldn't do it for me, the one she said she's always been in love with.

I fucking love[d] this girl and she fucking did this to me! I don't even want her to come back anymore! I want her to fucking stay where she is so she can be fucking happy with the new love of her fucking life >O

The only possible slight upside to this whole thing is that Kristy went through some of the same drama with Kevin last night, and it seems that we're the only ones that really understand each other right now, it seems like we might be able to stay pretty good friends even though she dumped me on Thursday. We've both gotta try to get over the people we loved for so long... and it's not going to be very easy for either of us. ]=

I'm Not So Sure I Can Do This (The Carol Saga Part I)

So there's this party that I'm supposed to be going to tonight, but I don't really know if I can go.
It's for this girl Carol I dated a while ago, and things went pretty insane after we broke up. She moved away a while ago, but she still visits sometimes. Before she came out last August, we had managed to talk sometimes and she apologized for all the horrible shit she'd put me through and that she's still been in love with me this whole time. She seemed really sincere, so I believed her and we hooked up when she came out. To not make this back story too long I'm just gonna come out and bluntly say that I am insanely in love with this girl.

But she's got this problem where she doesn't quite think her ideas through before she acts on them. For instance, one night last August when I had snuck out to her house as usual, she forgot to tell her sister that I was coming over. So in order to not get in trouble, she decides to hide me in the garage when her sister gets home instead of rationally explaining that she had forgotten to tell her about me. I ended up getting found out and she ended up locked in the garage for two hours as punishment. She also has more subtle lapses in judgment, like telling me stories about whichever guy she's dating, when she knows damn well how jealous I get and I have told her several times that I'd really rather not hear about it.

She had a moment like that today. Last night her sister went to pick her up and bring her out here, with her boyfriend too. This morning she calls me and asks if I want to go over to her place and hang out with them. Now, I have already mentioned how jealous I am of this whole thing, and I'm pretty sure she's knows that I'm already going to have a hard enough time with them at the party, so I cannot possibly see her logic in asking me to spend even more time with them. Especially since I just got dumped two days ago by another girl that's also going to be at the party.

So basically I'm going to this party in about a half hour with the girl I love, her boyfriend, the girl that just dumped me for the most absurd reasons (that's a whole nother post), and a couple other people totally oblivious to the drama. This may possibly be the worst night of my life D=

I Can No Longer Feel My Fingers

Okay, so the last few nights I've been at church, they've played I Will Possess Your Heart by Death Cab For Cutie. And I think it's got an amazing bass line, but I've been forgetting to download the song until tonight.

Turns out, that amazing bass line you hear for a few bars on the radio is really about five minutes long!
Two things have come from me playing the whole thing twice through. 1) I have it on freaking muscle memory and 2) I can no longer feel the tips of any of the fingers on my right hand Dx

It also gets pretty damn annoying listening to the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again for four minutes before the actual song starts.